The aptly and cleverly named WilliamsBurger is a casual eatery in, you guessed it, Williamsburg, which specializes in serving a variety of burgers. This is really the bulk of the menu here, although there are a number of side dishes available – including sweet potato fries and pierogies (the latter perhaps paying homage to the neighborhood’s many Polish residents), as well as all-beef Kosher hotdogs and chicken wings.
Bottom line: If you desire a nuts-and-bolts burger joint with laid-back and unpretentious décor (it has a dartboard, which for whatever reason gave off a “frathouse” vibe to these Plotmen!) then WilliamsBurger should suffice. Prices range from $7.50 for a “basic” cheeseburger to $13 for a sesame crusted yellow fin tuna burger. Also worth mentioning is the Asian chicken burger and California burger (served with a cage-free fried egg and Government – American – Cheese), as well as the meatless portobello burger, which should appeal to vegetarians and vegans alike. WilliamsBurger also boasts “the coldest beer in Brooklyn,” and regarding its hours of operation, according to its Website: “we close when we run out of burgers.”
That said, it’s time to get out your “virtual napkins,” slap ‘em on your lap, and enjoy your meal with us … FAMILY style!
Joe’s order: Jalapeno chili and cheese burger, french fries, butterscotch shake
Mike’s order: The Williamsburger (barbeque sauce, jack cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion ring), French fries, Radeberger Pilsner beer
Wayne’s order: Portobello mushroom burger (meatless – with arugala, peppers, fresh mozzarella, and a balsamic glaze), sweet potato fries, Harpoon beer
To share: Pierogies (served with sour cream and caramelized onions), “Texas Pete’s” (an all-beef Kosher “doggie” with chili, yellow mustard and diced onion)
Joe: I just had a big-ass bacon cheeseburger yesterday at the Vegas diner.
Wayne: Wait, you just had a burger yesterday, and you’re gonna have meat again today?
Joe: Why, is that strange? You never had a burger two days in a row?
Wayne: No, I don’t go that nuts on red meat.
Joe: Dude, I could eat red meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
(Joe’s shake is served)
Mike: It looks like a McDonald’s shake. You’re gonna need a spoon.
Wayne: If you were Jewish this would be a total taboo – mixing milk and meat.
Joe: A milkshake and a hamburger is all American!
(Wayne holds Joe’s shake)
Wayne: This thing is like three pounds!
John: That is delicious! (after clawing Joe’s shake and having a taste) Bono (Joe), you’re a maniac. How are you gonna eat that and eat your friggin’ burger?
Mike: Pace yourself. You gotta pace yourself. Seriously.
Wayne: I’m trying to drink it, but I can’t get anything through the straw.
Joe and Mike: Suck hard.
Joe: Don’t go so deep.
Wayne: I got a little of it.
(Pierogies and hotdog are served)
Joe: I think the pierogies could use a touch of salt.
Wayne: The onions are good.
John: Put ‘em on a burger.
Wayne: These pierogies are a little too oily for my taste. But they are good.
Mike: The key is to enjoy all three components together – the pierogi, the onions and the sour cream. I’m gonna try the hotdog right now. (After tasting) It’s good. But it’s very regular. I expected something spicier.
Wayne: I’m not into the dog – at all.
John: With all the components in it (chili, yellow mustard and diced onion), you’d think there would be a ton of flavor in it. But there isn’t.
Joe: I just want to say right now that John used a fork to scoop some shake right out of my cup. Having this big-ass shake to kind of just snack on during the meal … is nice.
Mike: Joe likes to snack on something sweet between courses.
Wayne: Lemme get a forkful of that.
Joe: Fork my shake.
Mike: I guess I might as well too. I’ve got a fork. I should try it out.
Joe: It’s starting to melt up nice. It’s good because it hits you thick, and then it works its way back into a normal shake.
(Burgers are served)
Wayne: This portobello – this thing is fat!
Joe: I got an actual whole jalapeno with this. What am I supposed to do, just keep it in the burger like that? I thought it was gonna be infused in the burger.
Mike: You’re supposed to eat that baby! If you don’t I will!
John: I love the sweet potato fries here. Love ‘em!
Wayne: This (portobello burger) is very light. I feel kind of isolated that I didn’t get a real burger. A mushroom really doesn’t have a strong flavor, so it really blends in there. All I taste is the pepper and the arugala. There could be a sponge in here for all I know. The mushroom simply doesn’t pop.
John: When they bring the burgers to the table here, I get happy.
Mike: I definitely love the regular fries, but I know you guys like the sweet potato ones.
Joe: They are very crispy. But I’m a little underwhelmed with the flavor of my burger. You’d think with jack cheese, jalapeno – it’s kind of like the hotdog – its not popping. The meat’s good, though.
Mike: My burger is a mess just like I like it – a fountain of juice and blood that ran out and down my hand with the first bite.
Joe: (Echoing Mike’s sentiments quietly to himself) Juice and blood.
Wayne: I’m not very satisfied with mine.
(Less than five seconds later our waitress addresses the table)
Waitress: How is everything?
These sweet potato fries are really a knockout. It’s their claim to fame, I think.
Mike: I don’t see how you guys add ketchup to them. For me it would be way too sweet. Overload.
John: I gotta say man, I love this place. I love the burgers here. It’s one of my favorite places to eat in this part of Brooklyn. Excellent.
Wayne: I’m not having a burger right now, but I think Dumont (Burger) puts this place to shame.
Mike: I think Dumont is a great restaurant, but I don’t think that it blows this place away.
Joe: I kind of do think it blows this place away. I only had it that one time, but I remember being kind of like – wow!
Wayne: I didn’t know a burger could taste that good (at Dumont).
Mike: (Out of nowhere) While I’m eating my burger I feel like I’m biting into the side of the neck of a baby calf – and I love it.
Joe: Who wants my jalapeno?
Mike: Of course I want your jalapeno.
Wayne: Mike knows jalapenos.
John: Yo, that’s a good nickname for Mike: Jalapeno Mike! How great is that?
Mike: Yeah, that does sound funny!
John: (While making Italian hand gestures)These burgers are delicious, juicy …
Wayne: Hey bro, the readers aren’t gonna see your hand movin’.
(Laughter) You want that tomato?
John: C’mon, I’m sayin’ something here.
Mike: Eat your portobello over there.
John: The staff here and the atmosphere are excellent. You can’t go wrong here in this establishment.
Joe: Johnny Blow!
Mike: Johnny Blow and Jalapeno Mike say they love their burgers. As I said before, I feel like I’m biting into the neck of a small animal which makes me ultimately very happy.
Joe: (in a low, creepy voice) The neck of a small animal. I would say that’s probably what it must feel like to bite a dick.
(Silence … then laughter)
Mike: The neck of a small animal? Where are we going with this? No, no, no. Because any small animal that I would want to bite the neck of is vastly bigger than any cock I’ve ever seen.
Wayne: Hey Johnny, how does that meat taste in your mouth?
John: No comment.
Wayne: I’m very underwhelmed. My burger tastes like a whole lot of mish-mosh. It’s not horrible. But you don’t go to a restaurant to eat something to say this isn’t horrible.
Mike: I like what you did for the team as far as trying something different (no meat), but you missed out.
Wayne: I was craving something else, and I expected to get it from a mushroom, but I didn’t.
John: Wayne’s just trying to say he wanted meat in his mouth and he never got it.
Wayne: What can I tell you?
Joe: This shake is still fuckin’ rockin’!
Mike: I liked my meal. Would definitely come back and stick with meat. I would veer away from the hotdogs. They’re nothing special. As far as the pierogies – good, but the star of the show was the sautéed onions.
Wayne: I agree with that.
Joe: I thought the pierogies were very good. Hotdog, not great, but passable. My burger was OK. Expected a lot more flavor. Needed to put salt on it to get some flavor out of it. But the meat tasted OK. And the shake – it’s a $6 shake, not a $5 shake like in Pulp Fiction – but it’s a pretty damn good butterscotch shake!
Mike: I had only one forkful of it and it was delicious.
Wayne: It’s like your appetizer and your dessert. It lasted the duration of the meal.
Mike: It’s the only thing left standing!
Wayne: Oh jeez. There’s a sautéed onion on my recorder! How did that happen?
(Check comes. It’s decided to split the check $25 each. Wayne hands Mike $20.)
Mike: Does this guy have a friend?
John: This is such a nice place.
Wayne: I don’t see what knocks you out about this place so much. It’s OK.
John: What do you like when you go to a restaurant? What do you like when you go to a place? What do you want to see?
Wayne: If the food was better here I would like it more. It’s that simple. Maybe next time I’ll get the Caribbean Jerk.
John: One other thing I gotta point out is, when you go to the bathroom here you feel like you’re in Florida.
(Wayne walks into the bathroom)
Wayne: Wow, I'm in Florida!
A Family Plot will be performing at Public Assembly in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on May 27 at 10 p.m. See you there, Plotheads! But in the meanwhile, drop us a line and let us know what you think about “A Family Blog” at firstname.lastname@example.org